Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
