No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
