Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
