where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
