Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
