she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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