When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
