maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
