Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i think i have two assholes
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
