I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
