I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
