Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
