I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Randomize
