I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
