guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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