my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
