I'm eating all of the evidence.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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