Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
