the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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