Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
