I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
