Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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