Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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