Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
