Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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