The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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