so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
