You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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