I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize