I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
