i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
