anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
