I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
