two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
