She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
