i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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