Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
