I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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