they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
