Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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