I wish my penis had an off switch
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
