I wish I only lived at night.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize