I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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