i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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