I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
