You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize