i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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