I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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