Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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