It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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