I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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