god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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