his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Randomize
