we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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