Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
