I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
