I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
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