If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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