Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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