I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
either way he was missing a nipple.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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